Welcome to my Rant

a waste of breath, of space, of time

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 00:23:51 GMT

i just don't think i fit in
anywhere

give me a break
because frankly i'm just trying to survive each week

i'm sick of people myself
i hate myself and this feeling like i have no one to go to
and this feeling that no one cares
i think it must be karma
i just wish i could start over with everything.
and i wish i wasn't the one my sisters are supposed to look up to
maybe i was put here to show them how i am the person they should never be
spencer asked me if everything happens for a reason
and i don't know anymore
because if so, what happens now?
life is okay i guess
i should be happy
but i keep thinking about if people would even miss me
if i'm just a smudge on this planet that is better wiped out
i guess it hurts
and i'm sure everyone thinks its about tim
and to that i must say not really
i was yet again an idiot who believed a boy cared about me
only to find out he couldn't care less
i hope i can get better

Tue, 08 Nov 2005 02:21:44 GMT

i dont know...i miss him as a friend, but i miss the fact that he told me he loved me
i miss believing he actually cared
to find out he could care less
what hurts the most i think is i told him how fucked up my past with guys has been. and what does he do?
fuck me over
like every other one
almost exactly the same way
but i thought he was genuine
just to find out he doesn't care what happens to me
it may be emo or whatever
but it hurts
but i might as well stop thinking about him. as he is so obviously not thinking about me
:/
in better news: i am determined to get myself out of the mess that is my life at the moment

...if mom cuts me a fucking break....bitch

Bye Bye Boyfriend

Fri, 04 Nov 2005 02:26:06 GMT

why is it that whenever a boy likes me they end up saying i'm too good for them or some other excuse?
cowards
but yes i'm single again and although it fucking sucks i'll get over it
but did it HAVE to happen right when i'm in the hole so deep?
way to go buddy
hello hotadam!(you dont know him)
i'm in a bad mood don't bug me(fair warning)

THANK YOU MOTHER NATURE FOR BRINGING ME WILMA

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 20:22:04 GMT

no school tomorrow!
heckyes
wyatt has an iPod nano and mine is fucked up...again
I"M THE KID IN THE FAMILY THAT LISTENS TO MUSIC NONSTOP
NOT WYATT
whatever. i can't let that really bother me. i am so happy now
it feels good to be loved
see you tuesday!stay dry!
<3

Thu, 20 Oct 2005 22:57:03 GMT

southpark is the smartest show on the planet
i dont even care about the most disgusting parts
...like crapping out your mouth
nonetheless, i have learned so much from that show

anyways...i am SOOOOO JEALOUS OF ALL OF YOU PEOPLE GOING TO THE FUSION CONCERT
bgdxchywegjfchhgweiuk

but hey! no school for me tomarrow
?peace?

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 23:26:10 GMT

GOD DAMNIT

Sun, 16 Oct 2005 13:51:58 GMT

i'm falling apart and i'm in shit deeper than ever before.
i can't stay in one spot for more than two seconds
i can't focus
i can't sleep
i'm in so far over my head and i have nothing left to turn to but this goddamn journal
maybe i'll try a hotline
i just dont want to deal with it anymore
i need some help.

Thu, 13 Oct 2005 01:30:57 GMT

i hate PSATs
but i love you!

Mon, 10 Oct 2005 22:32:26 GMT

I turned from P-I-E to P-I-G

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 02:00:43 GMT

i have to be asleep in 12 minutes
how hardcore am i? last night was the first night i have every stayed awake an entire night.
and tomorrow i have to go to school
i have to be one of the biggest dumbasses of all time
and lazy to boot
screw it
there is so much sand on my body from today. but i had fun amongst the stupid drama of my swim team.
i got to be with tim :) and even though there are so many things that i could hold against him...well...
whatever. i need to scribble something for homework and catch some very needed Zs
hope danielle,alessi, and lauren had fun at HAlloween Horror Nights!
<3

i cut the cosmos beneath my hand

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 23:22:11 GMT

blah blah blah

i am suffering from not being with tim
not tim do
so dont say i was talking about tim do
i cannot TELL you how many people have asked if i was going out with tim do
even people who i thought didn't know tim do knew tim do
okay whatever

mark knows and he is annoying the hell out of me
along with everyone who keeps acting as if i'm just another girl he's going out with
so what if i am?
DONT TELL ME ABOUT IT

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 00:56:45 GMT

there are so many AMAZING movies coming out
ELIZABETHTOWN...holy crap looks amazing...reminds me of someone special<3
IN HER SHOES....well, it's a sister movie but...
HARRY POTTER 4...and eff you all who don't like it

OH EM GEE who want's to watch with me?!?!!

THE OC IS ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT THE FUCK

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 22:51:43 GMT

Jack Gilenhal and Heath Ledger are making a gay cowboy movie
?????!!!!!?????!!

you can't swim in a town this shallow. you will most assuredly drown tomarrow.

Sun, 25 Sep 2005 21:49:01 GMT

last night i got this smack in the face and realized all the completely stupid shit i've done
i hate the past and i hate looking back. but i'm scared to look forward knowing that i'm going to do so many more things that i will probably regret.
but for the first time i feel extremely in touch with reason. i may act insane but hey, thats me.
but i am at this amazing high and so happy to be with this person that it scares me
because i know what could happen and i know i probably wouldn't stop it from happening
and i hate being so fucking paranoid about what others think
if gossip and opinions affected me then we wouldn't be together
and i'm glad i can trust him. but i'm scared shitless.
god i hate being dramatic sounding.
i hate school so much right now
and i hate every single teacher and every single classroom
i hate how i'm slower at swim than i was last year and how i feel like a failiure on so many levels
its always these up and down emotions
whatever
i'm pissed. deathcab is playing on MTV
WHAT THE HELL

and go see party monster. i love that movie(thanks danielle)

Thu, 22 Sep 2005 23:31:14 GMT

i'm so happy!
<3

ANNNND the O.C. is on tonight!

life is just a trick

Sun, 18 Sep 2005 19:37:18 GMT

last night was so much fun. i saw a hilarious improv show(drew carey) at the van wiezal
then got in the car, threw on my dress and heels, and had a blast at cotillion
i love all the people i hung out with there
and i missed my swimmers!
well,maybe next time will be twice as fun.
thanks to everyone who made it special!
<3
p.s. i need creepy boy advice. STAT(whatever that means)

i'm sorry that you have a boyfriend that loves you

Fri, 16 Sep 2005 23:41:05 GMT

its a crazy cycle
i'm too tired to do anything on the weekends and i'm working
and then i can't WAIT for the weekend to come before monday even really begins
what are YOU doing this weekend?

boys drive me insane

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 23:22:32 GMT

i've got the margaret virus

sorry i can't be perfect

Tue, 13 Sep 2005 02:39:12 GMT

swimming still sucks
i'm up to my old bad habits
i'm starting some new ones as well
and i'm barely making it in homework
life is a speedtrain

and tim do sucks...like a vacumn...for not stopping at the scatbus stop to pick me up
we had to wait out in that sun for an HOUR
and all you other swimmers who just drove by...yeah thanks for picking up your teammates
they think they are so superior

okay. i caved, i cant live without this thing

Sun, 11 Sep 2005 21:51:39 GMT

can you blame me? where else would i vent?

my family is INSANE
last night my father. MY FATHER. was whooping over some football game
my mom was bitching over my driving
i don't know where spencer is
wyatt is being an annoying spaz
and i'm sure i'm doing something wrong

oh and it's september 11th
:(

i have no life so it has come to posting emo...ly

Tue, 06 Sep 2005 02:24:35 GMT

this is it. i am through with feeling sorry for myself
i am through with spencer. i am never talking to her again
i just really hate myself right now and i know why and i need to change it
but GOD DAMNIT
i should be at nicki's house with three of the most wonderful people in the world
i SHOULD be doing my work because thats the fucking reason im not at nickis
i should have stayed home and worked, swam,done my homework,gone to the party, and be at nickis
RIGHT NOW
but instead i had to go to arkansas and be with my family who i can not stand to be with
sure we had our moments, but mostly it was spencer giving me sly remarks about how much i was eating,spencer counting how many times i went to the bathroom?, and my grandparents watching me wherever i went around their house
i love them, honestly, but couldn't have this visit been done in the summer like it was planned? i've got stuff to do(not just the partys and stuff either, i missed a day of school and i feel like i'm weeks behind already)
and it wouldn't have mattered as much if my family had just made it PLEASENT
good gravy
but anyways, my point is, i'm going to stop being "emo" now
because frankly i'm sick of complaining
and i'm sick of my family always on my ass
so i'm just going to have as little communication with them as possible
i wish i could just go away and never turn back
because starting over seems like the only solution
but even though i'm barely making it this is the only stability i think i can maintain right now
damn spencer and damn my parents. they get me so low
god i wish i was wyatt. how sad is that?
don't bother commentting if your planning on it. i'm not going to post anymore. i feel so lame for posting now.

Fri, 02 Sep 2005 00:00:26 GMT

why the hell am i going to arkansas?

i miss swimming...im gonna regret saying this later but for now i am out of shape and GROSS
which sucks

<3

Mon, 29 Aug 2005 21:46:08 GMT

my sweet sister spencer stole money from my backpack

and so the shittyness continues

and maybe, just maybe i'll get the full,truthful story from him tonihgt.cause frankly i think he's full of shit

HOMEWORK

because i can't focus on anything right now

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 21:28:52 GMT

me: (just woken up) it's been a rough weekend
mother: ("lovingly" stroking my hair) no it hasn't quit feeling sorry for yourself

hey mom, i HATE YOU

spencer: (after i went to her for support) i'm not gonna cry over your problems

...5 minutes later

spencer: can i have twenty dollars?

can anyone be so heartless? how can she be my sister?

i feel so naive, but then i think i get it from my parents. They don't notice anything anymore.
or maybe they just don't notice me.
for my dad, it's all about wyatt, which is sad because when she was gone last night all he could talk about was how great she is at soccer.
i love wyatt, but i can't stand this feeling of being forgotten
she's pretty naive too. it's nice, because even though i've really screwed up myself right now, she will always be a good sister.
i just can't tell her anything, i'm too ashamed. and i dont want her to have a disappointing older sister( i already messed that up for spence. but then again, spencers just a disappointment in my eyes. i will never understand her. nor do i want to.
she always says she hates me, i dont think i could truly hate her. i used to always go to her to talk about anything. and i don't think i ever want to speak to her again. but i still love her. after all, she is my sister.
i will always remember her as the sweet girl she once was.
before she could talk and before she met her "friends"
i dont want to go to school tomarrow. i dont want to leave this house. i dont want to talk to anyone ever again.
i just want the truth,i just want to get over it, and become invisable.
i'm sure spencer would appreciate it. i'm just an embarassment

and this has been a rough weekend. more than anyone can know. it's not just about the guy,either, my grandpa had his 5th stroke yesterday, and i am so close to him that i can't even process the fact that one day he's going to leave me
my feelings and thoughts have been stretched to a limit. so much is happening at once and i just want to stand still
i keep walking around my house trying to do something. i cant focus and i'm trying to stop myself from breaking my promise
which is VERY HARD alessi

nobody ask what happened either
i only wwant to hear an explanation from him, and to never hear from him ever again
i feel so violated and hurt that it makes me cringe in this skin
i know its not a big,HUGE deal. but to me,this is it, i've reached the breaking point
and i'm looking for a point to exist
but i could never be suicidal
i'll continue living, but i dont think i'll evr be the same again
pretty dramatic huh? well FUCK YOU

don't ask

Sun, 28 Aug 2005 12:43:48 GMT

i can't sleep and i know it's so pathetic but i need to know what he can say for himself. if he can make up for what he did. and if he really felt the way he did on friday. if those count as feelings.
so to preoccupy my wasted time i'm writing. or eating. and i'd rather be writing.
and i feel as bad as i look